Big Dick Ankiel

Just prior to the season beginning, on the morning sports-talk radio show I listen to daily, there was much discussion about Rick Ankiel desperately wanting to now be referred to as "Dick" as opposed to Rick. This was enough to make me chuckle. I mean, first off, why? Let's forget the juvenile sexual connotation for a moment and dwell on the fact that since he first came to the big leagues at 20 years old, he's been known as Rick.

I mean, if I randomly started referring to myself and asking those around me to refer to me as "Stevie" from here on out, I'm sure that'd be met with some odd responses. I decided when I was 9 that I was no longer Stephen, I was Steve. I made my bed and I have lain in it. Stevie Wonder was "Little Stevie Wonder" and now he's a 60 year old man who has to go by a little kid's name. Them's the breaks.

But Rick's not that bad of a name, is it? Certainly the best derivative of Richard. Better than Rich, better than Ricky. And definitely better than Dick. Who actually WANTS to be called Dick?

I'll tell you who. A porno star.

A week or so ago Dick Ankiel shaved off his beard and left himself with a primo pornstar mustache. Solid and true. I'm actually a little jealous of it.

Perhaps he wants to start a new trend? Perhaps to get him out of his early season slump? But perhaps, and most likely, in my opinion, it's to set in motion his one true dream - that of porn stardom. Pining to be referred to as sexual slang combined with that awesome piece of facial hair can only lead to that conclusion. He didn't know how to get his foot in the door of the porn industry, and so he became a fearsome young pitcher - his second love, only to that of pussy. When that failed, he set out to become a feared hitter. And now that that is trickling away, and he is a household name, he sees that his time has come (pun intended).

So here's to the current Cardinal centerfielder and a future porn legend. Let's all raise a glass and a salute to Big Dick Ankiel.